My Journeys End

Yes, I realize this is depressing but maybe when I have finished you won't find it so bad. I have been putting this off for some time now but according to my doctor now is the time to do it. I have ignored the doctors warnings until now (like when they told me last year would be my last Christmas) but my body is finally starting to agree with what they are telling me. By no means does this mean I will be signing off for good. I will still be here as a source of info for some and a pain in the rear for others...LOL No doubt the latter will be glad to see me go. This only means the time is drawing nearer for my journey to end so I wanted to leave some thoughts now because it may be too difficult to do as my health deteriorates further. Many of you know I contracted Hepatitis C years ago as a nurse at the VA Medical Center. The genotype I received is most common in Asians which is where my patient had been stationed for years. This was the only way the doctors would believe it wasn't connected to my IV drug use. I learned in time that it didn't make a bit of difference How anyone contracted it only that they had it. Anyway, I advanced rather quickly to cirrhosis then to cancer. This song reminded me so much of how I felt after they told me I had a tumor on my liver. I did not want anyone to talk about my prognosis because ... well as the song says "Don't tell me that I'm Dyin cause I don't wanna know." LOL I knew that a transplant was the only real option available but I had just watched a friend die after receiving her liver and they had refused her pain meds because of her addictive history. I also knew the statistics were very clear that new livers become reinfected with Hep C within 5yrs. of transplant. When you are diagnosed with HCV it is a lose/lose situation if you advance to terminal conditions because you feel as though you have poison coursing through your veins. This poison will reinfect any new organ it comes into contact with and you have to start all over. I wanted the time I had left to be as quality as possible so I chose what is known as the "non invasive" route. Well, I have done great. I have lived a year longer than anyone expected and have maintained a fairly high level of independence throughout. That is until a few weeks ago. I went to the oncologist and got a fairly routine check but I knew the results would be anything but routine. I had been experiencing signs that the cancer had spread. I don't want to discuss the personal details but lets just say I had what appeared to be advanced cancer in several areas of my body. For the first time I was truly scared. A few days later I got a phone call for me to come in and we would "talk". I told the nurse (who I had developed a fairly close relationship with) to tell me yes or no..."Has it spread?" Well, after much coaxing my suspicions were confirmed. My cancer has indeed infiltrated several major organs and they are shutting down. I was told to prepare for severe pain and to get a doctor nearby that can be called at anytime to come to the house when it gets bad. I found a sweetheart of a doctor who is so understanding. He offered to put me on additional Methadone until I had a pain management doctor but I refused. The time will come for the strong meds again and I will know it. Not before then. I am determined to fight it as long as possible. Of course I find this funny because I received a comment from Nancy Garvin today about how I thrive off of this drug and am addicted to methadone not just dependent. Then she told me to Stop a day or so and watch what happens. My favorite comment was this, " You have no intention of becoming drug free and running scared that methadone may no longer be labeled the wonder drug you and so many claim." I bet the doctor who told me how stubborn I was being by "holding on" would find her comments pretty funny. Regardless, I want to thank all of you who have supported me & encouraged me. Those who know me via the Hepatitis C, Cirrhosis, and Cancer support groups continue to write your legislators for funding so there may one day be a cure for this horrible disease.To those who have been saved by Methadone keep fighting for your right to treatment as well as for the elimination of diversion. We must find a balance through measures that will allow the right people to get treatment while keeping the wrong people from getting it on the streets. We also must educate others that Methadone is not dangerous when used correctly but used incorrectly it can be lethal. Someone once told me my legacy would be Finding Normal which is why I have worked so hard to build on it by adding a website, etc. but the time will come when I will either have to pass on my website to someone else or close it down. I am leaving my son in charge of contacting John, Bayla, and Zenith when I pass so I don't leave anyone wondering. These people know all of my contacts to spread the word. I know some have asked about services, etc. and Brenton will have that info also. I do not want flowers though. In liue of flowers please donate to The American Liver Foundation or NAMA. Believe me I know how gross this is HaHa... which is why I have put it off but like i said the sooner I have it out of the way the sooner I can stop worrying about it. So, I love you all, I have mad respect for you (you know who you are). Remember... Dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, work like you don't need the money, live like it's heaven on earth.